Gods Gets Sick of Santa’s Antics, Kills 300 Reindeer

 

Dead Deer

AFP Photo/Haavard Kjontvedt

STOCKHOLM — More than 300 wild reindeer have been killed by lighting in central Norway.

The Norwegian Environment Agency has released eerie images showing a jumble of reindeer carcasses scattered across a small area on the Hardangervidda mountain plateau. The agency says 323 animals were killed, including 70 calves, in the lightning storm Friday.

Agency spokesman Kjartan Knutsen told The Associated Press it’s not uncommon for reindeer or other wildlife to be killed by lightning strikes but this was an unusually deadly event.

“We have not heard about such numbers before,” he said Monday.

He said reindeer tend to stay very close to each other in bad weather, which could explain how so many were killed at once.

Source: CBS News

Down goes Dasher! Holy smokes Batman, that’s a lot of dead reindeer. OVER 300! With one bolt of lightning. The media can spin this however they want, but I know a holy war when I see one.

Since the year 280, Santa’s fat white ass has plotted and schemed to steal the spotlight from Jesus’s Birthday. He’s such an attention whore. It is DIABOLICAL to go around and give presents to other people on someone else’s birthday. At the minimum you can give out party favor bags, but when it’s your birthday, it’s your birthday and you should definitely be the only person getting presents.

For 1,736 birthdays, Jesus has let it slide. He’s a pretty peaceful guy. He’s no Ghandi, but if he had it his way I’m sure most disputes would be solved by a fish fry and not so much a holy war, but you can’t control everything. You know, because of that pesky free will and what not.

But enough is enough. Look, I don’t have to tell you that there are essentially 5 important birthdays in every persons life that you’re allowed to be the biggest, most selfish asshole on the planet/in the heavens. You can go ape shit when you turn 10. You’re officially into double digits, go crazy. Then, there’s 13. You’re a teenager. You’re old enough to get in all sorts of trouble, but nothing really sticks on your record aka the Golden Years. Of course, after that is 18. You’re an adult in the eyes of the government with the exception of drinking alcohol/renting a car. Sure, you can die and serve your country, but you best not touch booze. Your brain isn’t ready until you are, 21, the next big birthday on the list.

After that, the only birthday that you can go buck wild on and demand to be the center of attention without being an asshole is obviously when you turn 1,737. Hard to do when Santa is flying around on reindeer giving toys to all the good girls and boys in the world. What’s a savior to do? Can’t kill Santa, it would be a PR nightmare. Can’t cancel Christmas either…because you attract more flies with honey and not vinegar.

So what’s 1/3 of the Holy Trinity to do?

It’s time to go to the bullpen and call up the big guns.

Zeus

That’s right. Zeus aka the God of Lightning. Zeus’s moral compass swings a little south more often than any other deity. He cheated on his wife Hera all the time, with or without consent. He chained up Prometheus, a HUGE Blog30.co fan, and had an eagle eat his liver out constantly. 300+ reindeer is nothing for the God of Gods.

If you want the world to stop receiving gifts on YOUR birthday, you have to cut the gifts off at the source. Killing all of the reindeer is a for sure going to hinder Santa in this epic battle. If Don Corleone can persuade/threaten you with one horse’s head in your bed, 300 reindeer ought to do the trick in the world of magic/deities.

Your move, Santa. You have 118 days until the big party. You’re going to have to get a LOT of Christmas spirit in order to make that sled fly now big guy.

-Coach
@blog30tweets
@ApacheZack

 

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