Week 3 in Paradise. We left off with Evan waking up from his Cry nap and going to try to trick Amanda into a date while her tongue is literally in Josh’s mouth…oh and FYI the Paradise Tear Tracker sits at 4
Evan gets a pity cry from Amanda and is let down in the most gentle way possible after a fake date card get her to his room where he has lobster waiting for them…No one eats the lobster…such a waste. Paradise Tear Tracker: 5
Meanwhile, Josh makes love with some delicious looking pizza, he knows not to waste a meal and not to concern himself with
Evan sheep. Quick bizarre note: Daniel shaves Vinny’s back, brotherhood is established
Rose ceremony: Christian asks Sarah for a kiss and seals the deal for not getting a rose. Daniel comes in a makes her laugh/ tricks her with his weirdness gets stung by a bee and lays a terrible kiss on Sarah…its never been more obvious that Daniel is getting Sarah’s rose. She is easily tricked…
EVAN throws a Hail Mary and talks shit about Josh. Lace asserts her dominance once again and makes a power move by snitching on EVAN on accident, right in front of Josh…”oops”
Josh gets annoyed and gives a stern talking to Evan. Evan says Josh has polish on polish. Josh seems a bit cliche but that’s what the greats do. Saying something while saying nothing works every time, old hockey trick.
Roses: Grant Jared Vinny Josh Daniel Evan and Nick get roses. The newby s are sent packing before they could fully unpack.
The rest of the episode lacks entertainment here are the bullet-points.
– One of the twins says she kissed Jared I’m pretty sure she didn’t.
– Jorge alert!
– Caila (Kayla) is here! and immediately steals the heart of Americans everywhere,. She asks Jared on a date.
– Jared becomes a pussy and has to make a big deal out of his non relationship with the twin…no tears though
– Just kidding, Paradise Tear Tracker: 7
– Caila’s tits and Jared go horseback riding and Jared (and America fall in love with Caila)
– Crazy Lace and Grant gets a double date with Izzy and Grant they go clubbing/foam party. Lace says it reminds her of high school…things make sense now
– Lace tries to out crazy a crazy Mexican girl. She held her own but is taken out of the club by Grant before she can get put into the ground.
– Carly and Sarah invite Evan and Daniel over for drinking games (because they are jealous they didn’t get a date card). Funny how the guys have the roses this week and Carly is leading Evan on again…(Evan) –>
-The drinking games devolve into a middle school party with peer pressure for 2 people to kiss. Evan gets a direct order from Carly “don’t kiss me, don’t be weird.” Evan leaves drunk and sad again. Producers can’t wake him and have to call medical. He may be faking and the producers says Carly must sleep with him to keep him safe. Evan gets Rapey.
Did the Producers do it again or did the Producers do it again?! Ashley I comes to Paradise immediately after Jared falls for Caila. For those of you who don’t know, Ashley I is in love with Jared and Jared wants nothing to do with her. Except he’s a big ol’ pussy about “breaking her heart.” Oh she’s also a Virgin.
Ashley I , aside from being a virgin is also known as being the most dramatic girl in bachelor history. the Paradise Tear Tracker is about to get a work out. she cries immediately after finding out Jared went on a date with Caila. Paradise Tear Tracker:8
Let’s get back to bullet points because I’m lazy.
– The classic crazy upset girl Ashley I talking to an animal (Parrot) routine from the editors is A+ stuff!
– New theory Jared is a Canadian NOT from the northeast.
– Ashely I is still crying not sure how much this counts towards the Paradise Tear Tracker. She asks Daniel on a date (because “all” the other guys are coupled up).
– Ashley is dumb but Daniel looks like a genius, talking to her. Gotta be great for the Self Esteem. I guess that’s what happens when you talk to Ashley I…Coach needs to talk to her ASAP he’s having a rough week.
– Daniel drools over Ashley I’s V card
– Some natives come in and do a crazy dance and yell it’s time to sacrifice a virgin and carry Ashley I away…and Daniel just sits there. That’s how the date ends.
– Next scene after the date Ashely I is crying again. Paradise Tear Tracker: 9
– Let’s check in on Josh and Amanda…still making out…. in front on Nick
– Enter new girl, Jenn (who?) she picks Nick to go on a date they go on a boat and kiss like every other date ever.
– Evan fakes a sickness and gets a little rapey with Carly (from last episode), he gets loopy with some medicine and is forced to go to a Mexican hospital (top 10 place I hope to never go) He guilt trips Carly into going to the hospital with him. She says “she’s back on the Evan train” I see what she’s doing and its savvy. She gets roses.
– Ashley I update, crying again. She honestly is ruining the tear tracker which no sets at like 12 because of her.
– Nick tries to talk honestly with Ashley I and its honestly my favorite moment in this shows history. I hate Ashley I. And I just want Jared to man up and break her heart completely so she can move on. Nick tries to do it for him and makes her cry.
– Jared and Ashley I talk some more and it makes literally no sense, Ashley is obsessing Jared is trying to let her down easy but Jared clearly doesn’t have any experience with a crazy. Gotta fight crazy with crazy man. Go crazy dude and turn the tables. The show ends and I’m pretty sure Ashley I leaves. Paradise Tear Tracker: 14
- Carly. Playing with Evan like a Yo-Yo and is for sure getting his rose next Rose Ceremony. she’s playing chess while Evan is playing checkers
- Lace. A quiet episode for her but can still really bring the crazy/ drama if needed. She’s locked up with Grant so no need to make big moves but her snitching on Evan right in front of Josh was Gold!
- Daniel. Got Christian’s rose and makes everyone laugh. He is manipulating the girls like a he has a flute and they are vipers in a basket.
- Caila. S’cute and will be America’s sweet heart by the end of next week (I’m not biased at all).
- Josh. had sex
- Nick. Simply because he tried to tell Ashley I to her face that she is crazy for loving Jared. Oh and he has endured the Amanda Josh PDA like a champ…kinda
- Amanda. She let Evan down easy and also got laid. good for her.
- Sarah. Seemed like a no brainer to give her rose to Christian her “dream guy” but Daniel got to her funny bone and tricked her into giving him the rose. Now he’s consumed with Ashley I’s V Card.
- Grant. Stopped Lace from murdering a local girl/Lace from getting murdered by a local girl. I honestly it would have been a good fight.
- Vinny and Izy. Blah
- Jared. Had a great date with Caila and “broke up” with a twin only to have another fake girlfriend come to paradise that he now has to deal with.
- Twins. At least their boobs are nice to look at.