Woolly Mammoths: Underwhelming Death, Underrated Animal


Source: BBC News

One of the last known groups of woolly mammoths died out because of a lack of drinking water, scientists believe.

The Ice Age beasts were living on a remote island off the coast of Alaska, and scientists have dated their demise to about 5,600 years ago.

They believe that a warming climate caused lakes to become shallower, leaving the animals unable to quench their thirst.

Most of the world’s woolly mammoths had died out by about 10,500 years ago.

Scientists believe that human hunting and environmental changes played a role in their extinction.

Have you ever sat alone…and I mean, completely alone, and thought to yourself you were born in the wrong time period? Maybe you just binge watched all the Game of Thrones episodes your little heart could take and you thought I wish I was born in medieval times. Perhaps you’ve longed for the days to be an up and coming marketing director in 1960s New York after a Netflix Madmen wormhole sucked you in all day. I my friends share your feelings. I truly believe I was meant to be put on this Earth to convince the world not to destroy the Woolly Mammoth…just born 5,600 years too late. 

Dinosaurs capture the imagination of children. Space is frontier explored by scientists to this very day. No love has ever shown to the Woolly Mammoths. Reggaeton Asian elephants with tusks coexisted with human kind to survive the harshness of the first long Winter last years of the Old Stone Age, but you won’t hear about them in your history books. We use to love them big Ray Romano talking furry beasts. Then, we turned on the peach fuzz mastodons and started using them for their ivory, bones, and fur. Humans then teamed up with Mother Nature, and the hunters and climate change did its best to eliminate them all.

This wouldn’t have happened on my watch. I would have protested the heck out of killing these giant creatures. I’m talking all the classic techniques too. Handcuff myself to their tusks…hit the abusers in the heart with pictures of a dead Manny from Ice Age…sabotage hunting events by throwing red paint all over their ice age people clothes and cave paintings…just protester 101 stuff.

Then, if that failed, maybe sacrifice a mammoth or two to look cool like Legolas and slide down the trunk surrounded by the bodies of my slain enemies and allies for dramatic effect, rallying the people to my cause, dividing tribes to civil war. Mammoths and friends on one side, the antagonist hunters intensified by the ongoing threat of human survival on the other.


Unfortunately, dawn before the war was to take place, ManRam, the oldest and wisest of the Woolly Mammoths came to my door step of my war igloo/teepee I can never really tell what kind of housing the humans in this part of life actually had and told me the Mammoths could not take part in the battle. Their numbers were few already, and they feared with certainty that even if my rallying nation could defeat the poachers, there would not be enough left to survive.

I sat behind my war desk as ManRam left. Defeat was inevitable.

Sadly, the rallying cries of the cave people on behalf of the Woolly Mammoth would fall on to deaf ears. The battle, long and hard fought, would ultimately be warm up for the away team. The slaughter following the massacre of a battle of fleeing cavemen and women/Mammoths would go down as the bloodiest day in Mammoth history. It was rumored that I was one of the many bodies lost in the battlefield, but oh no, I escape with a handful of Mammoths onto an island. We grieve our losses until the end of their days, where slowly one by one my Woolly friends die of dehydration while I sit going crazy with guilt and irony knowing that if I were to survive any longer I would have to eat the very thing I had spent my whole life protecting…eventually driving myself crazy as I look away at the Pangea that once was and….

….and the credits roll.

So yeah, it would have ended the same but it’s a hell of a lot cooler if I’m there.





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