Donald Trump’s Veep Choice: sixPence None the Richer


Wait…oh no it can’t be….that’s…THAT’S INDIAN GOVERNOR MIKE PENCE’S MUSIC!

So what should we know about Mikey Pence? Well, he’s the governor of Indiana (which we all know is notorious for their racial harmony.) He’s been the Governor of the Hoosiers since 2013. Since taking office, he’s helped orchestrate the largest state tax cut in the history of the Hoosier state, all while trying to navigate the future of Indiana to greener pastures with higher quality education and better road systems and bridges.

Wait…what the fuck? That actually seems pretty reasonable. Where’s the scandal? I don’t want Trump’s Veep being a strong supporter of reducing the nation’s veteran unemployment problems and focusing on smaller government and economic growth, I want Trump’s Veep to be 006 from Golden Eye and secretly be sabotaging the mission and faking deaths on purpose to get closer to power. C’mon Internet, give me something.

Mike Pence: A Conservative Proudly Out of Sync With His Times.” – New York Times
Mike Pence: Cigarette Truther…Smoking Doesn’t Kill” – ThinkProgress
Mike Pence Ran A Controversial Ad About Arabs in an Early Campaign” – Buzzfeed
Four Reasons Mike Pence is the Absolute Worst” – Rolling Stone

That’s more like it.

Not trying to be a hipster or anything, but I’m pro him denying years of medical evidence pointing to the contrary saying cigarettes don’t harm you. Mostly because, I want it to be true probably just as much as he does. I’m not pro cigarettes or anti cigarettes, but I think it’s annoying when people do take a stance on such an optional American delicacy. If you want to smoke, smoke. If you don’t, shut up about it. We’re all adults here, and if you want to blindly ignore the dangers for a little afternoon puff of the cash crop that built this great country, go for it. 1 point for Pence.

He signed one of the most restrictive abortion laws in the country.” – Rolling Stone

Yeesh. Tough one to get around. How do I put this delicately….because I will never be in a position to where I have to make this decision, I feel like I can’t have an opinion on the matter, nor should I restrict the capabilities of people who do have to make this decision. Soooooo I guess I’m going to have to take a point away from the guy. Apparently the law in Indiana that he signed that is eerily similar to laws in Texas that were found unconstitutional. Let’s see what other mud rolling stone has on the guy.

He signed a bill that made it OK for Indiana businesses to discriminate against LGBT” – Rolling Stone

In fairness to Pence, the backlash from this law which allowed for business owners to refuse to serve LGBT Americans was…how you say…loud? So he they amended the legislation. Still, seems like the guy I literally just heard of went from reasonable to…well someone who would be a good Veep for Donald Trump’s campaign.

“He blocked the resettlement of Syrian refugees in Indiana – and illegally tried to cut off federal aid to existing refugees.” – Rolling Stone

First and foremost, can we pour some out for refugees that end up in Indiana? I understand their coming from a shitty situation…just imagine how shitty  it truly must be if their safe haven is Indiana? I mean, Hoosiers was a great movie and all but it was very very vanilla. If anything, restricting them to coming to Indiana might actually be in their best interest? Like, go one state over to Illinois. People are much friendlier and tolerate there. I’m anti restriction, but also anti Indiana so, I guess this is an accidental point for Pence.

“He’s an unreconstructed drug warrior” – Rolling Stone

This is a bit misleading. He’s passed a bill with a mandatory minimum for drug dealers. We’re not talking about peddling pot, we’re talking about people who are convicted of selling heroin or meth, twice. The size of what their moving doesn’t matter, and the sentence is a decade for the second offense. That looks pretty bad in comparison to Oscar Pistorius getting six years for murder, or Brock Turner’s 6 months for rape, but it’s really not that unreasonable. The only part of the law I disagree with is it takes away the judge’s ability to review the facts and potentially make a more reasonable decision on a case by case basis…but it’s not the worst thing I’ve heard a Vice Presidential candidate endorse. No decision on the point.

At the end of the day, the Vice President really doesn’t do shit. They break ties and preside over the Senate, and step in when the Pres dies. Constitutionally speaking, that’s all they do. Trump’s VP might actually Selina Meyer’s his way to the Presidency if Trump was actually elected…but for now I think we can safely say that this is a safe but strong choice for Trump. Let’s hope it all amounts to nothing. Now, caption this photo.


“Check out this guys hands…they’re yuuuge.” – Trump, probably





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