What We Really Learned in College

Image via the greatest piece of American cinema ever

We here at Blog:30 aren’t as young as we once were. We are at the point where people view us as fully functioning adults, even if we don’t believe it ourselves. We are no longer part of the “just got out of college” crowd and are now firmly planted in the “fuck I have responsibilities” crowd. Today we found ourselves having a lengthy text discussion about paying taxes, skipping out on student loans, and passing debt down to our grandkids. Eventually Doc, Coach, and I came to a realization. After all the textbooks, cram sessions, finals, and debt can’t forget the debt, we had essentially learned nothing of any real value in college. Coach was a History major for Christ’s sake and he certainly doesn’t work in a museum! While we might not have taken anything away from the “education” part of college, here is a list of the things that college did teach us, one way or another.

  1. -All the lyrics to “Juicy” by Biggie (actually we recommend you play it while you read the rest of this list). Yeah do that.
  2. -That a lot of my friends are people that pee the bed when drunk.
  3. -Taking a shot every time Mike Tyson knocks someone out during a “Mike Tyson’s Greatest Hits” special on ESPN Classic will lead to you waking up with a black eye of your very own.
  4. -Driving golf balls from one end of the hallway to the other end to see if they will stick in your roommate’s door is a great way to lose your security deposit.
  5. -The smaller the nipple the greater the boob.
  6. -EXIT signs might as well say “Take Me”.
  7. -Fights on Halloween make for the best stories because you get to say things like, “I kicked the Cat in the Hat’s ass last night”.
  8. -Buddies that you call only by their last name are generally the most fun. Looking at you Brin, Sittler, and Gianakakis.
  9. -$2 Doubles are God’s gift to his children.
  10. -There’s no wrong way to break down a door.
  11. -Never take mushrooms with Asians.
  12. -Everybody forgets to take their socks off during sex.
  13. -Tear gas does NOT taste good.
  14. -“Why the hell haven’t they invented a scan tron that can read pen?”
  15. -Bringing a dizzy bat to the beach on Spring Break will attract quite the crowd.
  16. -When they say “Towing Enforced”, they mean it.
  17. -There’s a huge difference between leather furniture, and “leather styled” furniture
  18. -When your friend’s parents tell you to “take a knee” during parent’s weekend, take a knee.
  19. -Don’t be a fat guy and also wear flip flops
  20. -It’s easier to light a dumpster on fire then it is to start an actual fire
  21. -If you live with a townie and think they’ll pay the bills promptly, you’re going to have a bad time
  22. -There’s never actually been a Reservoir on Reservoir Street
  23. -If you forget your headphones on the bus, you’ll never actually go to class. Just ride that bitch until it gets back home.
  24. -Don’t be the guitar guy
  25. -Always bring an extra blue book to class in case the hot girl forgets one on test day.
  26. -Keep kegs away from windows, both in the house and in the car
  27. -Wine comes in all shapes, sizes, colors, and containers.
  28. -Never broil a frozen pizza with frozen french fries on top for 12 hours. That’s not what they mean by slow cooking.
  29. -If you don’t root for guys to fall on their bikes while they are peddling around campus, I don’t want to be friends with you.
  30. -Weekends are for WARRIORS
  31. -Weekends start on Wednesdays.
  32. -How to spell Wednesday.
  33. -“I am interested in rushing this Fall. Tell me more about it while you pump more beer into my face.”
  34. -English teachers are atheists
  35. -Nobody likes a kiss ass.
  36. -Carbs aren’t food, they are alcohol sponges.
  37. -If you’re teacher is from another country they are going to expect you to read a hell of a lot more than the American teacher. You won’t do it regardless of the amount, but it sure feels good to complain about not reading 100 pages vs. 1 chapter.
  38. -If you are one of the lucky ones who have finals at the beginning of the week, party hard as soon as you finish. It lures in those who have finals later on in the week, weakening their performance and thus driving up the overall curve. Do your part.
  39. -Tater tots are a great breakfast.
  40. -There’s 50 buildings on campus but you’re only allowed to pick 1 as your home base where you can shit.
  41. -Cars have to stop for pedestrians so just go for it.
  42. -The baseball team can and will out drink you.
  43. -If you’re ever knowingly being an asshole to strangers yell out the letters of your favorite frat that you are not in.
  44. -There’s coupons in the school newspaper so take all of them.
  45. -Do it for the story.
  46. – Clemson IS on the way home from Spring Break
  47. – A free T-shirt is the best T-shirt
  48. – One rinse with water will clean the beer bong
  49. – Don’t be afraid to pass the crazy girl off to your roommate
  50. – Sloshball should be an Olympic sport
  51. – One pair of gloves can keep two people’s hands warm while drinking in the snow (put the other in your pocket)
  52. – Anchorman the game is better than Anchorman the movie.
  53. – Always make friends with the neighbors, it could get you laid.
  54. – Buying a meal plan means you don’t have to do dishes.
  55. – Don’t let drunk people cut you hair (that ones on me)
  56. – Don’t smoke a blunt at your friend’s college and expect to make it back in time for your class at your college.

So there you have it. That’s our list, what’s yours? Tell us what you learned in the comment section, on Twitter, or on Facebook. There may or may not be a prize for the best submissions.

-Blog:30 Team

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