So, to wrap up what has to be one of the worst weekends in Canadian History: We had the Toronto Raptors choke on their home court in the first game against the Pacers, Johnny Manziel was partying with Drake’s Dad, not a single NHL team of theirs made it to the post season, and now this asshole of a woman jumped into a tiger pit to retrieve a hat.
In fairness to this asshole, seemed like a pretty sweet hat. I’m a fan of hats depending on the situation. Hats are acceptable when attending sporting events, or days when you don’t shower, so long as you are under the age of 30. After that, the flat brims have got to go, and you are allotted 1 hat to where the rest of your life. This is the “I gotta mow my lawn.” hat or “we’re taking the kids to the pumpkin patch.” It has to be relatively plain, and it has to be dusty. The Cleveland Indians “C” hat is the perfect example of the hat you are allowed to wear after the age of 30.
With these rules comes a steep price. Once that hat is gone, that’s it. Your hat days are over. So I understand why this broad jumped into the tiger pit to get it back. Just a desperate move by a woman who would rather cover up her aging brittle hair with the sweet lid that plummeted to the trouble below.
I get it. Darwinism works two ways, it kills off those who are not suppose to live longer, and allows those who survive the opportunity to really test their limits. As far as tigers go, the jury is still out. Clearly their dangerous, but we’ve been able to capture them with our superior human technological advances. It doesn’t always work out. In fact, 85 people are killed a year from tigers. So it was nice to see humanity get that hat back and chalk it up as a win .
Still, you have to be smarter than that. You can’t just be Ron Burgundying into the pit for a hat. Ron did it for the love of Christina Applegate, and even then immediately admitted he regretted it. This chick was so dedicated to the hat game, her friend fought back to the people who were obviously upset their kids witnessed a grown up jumping into a freakin’ tiger pit. Uhhhh hey friend, what planet do you live on? Jumping into a tiger pit is the exact opposite of a “safe space.” I’m surprised the University of Toronto isn’t protesting. I couldn’t study knowing that people didn’t have the right to openly jump into tiger pits while simultaneously the other half not having the right to vocalize how jumping into a tiger pit is stupid.
Rough segway alert
In high school, I had a good friend of mine who had a sweet lake house his parents used to let us go to on the weekends/during the dog days of summer. They had a small speed boat, and my favorite memories were riding along, crushing brews, and wearing hats while doing so. One day, a particularly windy day, a gust blew my flat brimmed Apple Blossom Parade Seating ’95-’96 hat straight into Lake Holiday. Guess what? That was the end of that hat. I didn’t risk jumping into the water off a speed boat in the middle of a man made lake because I knew then, hey, it’s a hat.
So I’m going to need Canada to step it up. I’m more than likely going to be a citizen in the country after the upcoming American election, and I can’t be surrounded by people jumping into tiger pits for hats. If I wanted to be around that type of behavior, I’d move to Florida. I completely understand that sometimes the hat is worth the risk, but most of the times it is not. General rule of thumb for the future, if there’s a live animal that can literally rip your face off and maul you to death, live and let live. Let’s use that as the starting point, and work out the details moving forward.