Fun little fact about ol’ Coach. I’m not a movie guy. If you said I had two hours to kill and could only use a screen as a form of entertainment, I would much rather binge watch a couple episodes of a TV show on Netflix, or jump down a Allen Iverson youtube video montage than throw on a movie. Today’s world seems to really have two types of movies. And before I name them, I realize that what I’m about to say is a sweeping generalization on one of America’s top grossing industries. But the only movies that seem to get hype or make the moolah are thrillers with plot twists, or superhero movies, regardless of if they are good or bad. Shit, the world said “Superman vs. Batman is a collection of turds shoved into a DVD player with poorly edited fart sounds” and it still has already grossed over 260 million dollars. Fuck me.
Sure, around Oscar season everyone rushes to their On Demand service and buys “The Room” to see Brie Larson kill it (guilty) or jump to the local Redbox on a Friday Night Plight to watch Jared Leto and Matty McConaughey fight AIDS toghether, but unless it’s getting some sort of media pop, you’re going to the theaters to see award winning stuff that other people say is awesome, or there’s some kind of masked crusader involved. I’m not faulting anyone, and I’m not saying you can’t enjoy that type of thing, but I can and will point it out. The movie industry is riddled with sheep.
I like shitty movies with a feel good plot and something to laugh at. Gun to my head if someone presented me with a desert island scenario where I could only watch 3 movies for the rest of my life, I would choose the Departed, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, and Lord of the Rings: Return of the King. And sure, the Departed and Return of the King are Oscar winners, but I seriously considered adding Accepted (the Justin Long/Jonah Hill movie where they start their own college) Smoking Aces (a bunch of celebrities pretending to act while trying to murder Jeremy Piven) and Bad Boys II (Will Smith and Martin Lawrence acting black as hell in a buddy cop movie) to that list.
Life is serious. Life can beat you up. Life can be a real bitch sometimes. Why should you’re Friday night send you on a stress induced journey where you’re constantly wondering why the hell you are suffering through 3 hours of Leo DiCaprio suffering? (The Revenant) Why you should subject yourself to the Avengers going through some adversity only to predictably save the day at the end? What’s the point of rotting on the couch just to see the Government fake spend a ton of money to save Matt Damon time and time again (insert any Matt Damon movie ever.) Sometimes you have to escape from the faux realty on the silver screen, and watch some mindless good old fashion nonsense. In comes the Internship.
Vince Vaughn is a one trick pony. We all know this after dragging our balls and tits through True Detective Season 2: Killing Careers. His pairing with Owen Wilson is so brilliant in Wedding Crashers, that the duo deserved a completely horse shit pseudo-sequel, and that’s exactly what the Internship is. Two salesman slowly decomposing from a rapidly decreasing role in society get booted from their watch salesman job to find themselves landing internships at the World’s most recognizable brand, Google. Here, they forcibly team up with a rag tag team of misfits in the Internet world (Dorks among dorks) to try and win jobs at the company. They participate in summer camp like challenges, which include a live action game of Quidditch, in hopes that they win the Internship Championship and make a mark on the internet global community. Spoiler alert, at first the rag tag team doesn’t appear to have a snowball’s chance in hell, but after a timely trip to the strip club where the Nerds see boobies for the first time, the team rallies together, overcomes adversity, and leaves the summer a little wiser, a little more approachable, and they grow together as a team.
Is the dialogue riveting? Hellllll no. Is the plot a little predictable, including an unrealistic love interest between Owen Wilson and Australian sensation Rosy Byrne, a Vince Vaughn mental fall out where he messes one up for the team and cowers back to his old ways, and a classic character arch where the bad guys get too cocky and the underdogs take them down at the end? Abso-freakin’-lootly. But I promise you it’s better than any Spider Man movie you’ve ever seen. (Fuck you Toby Maguire.)
“You shouldn’t take life too seriously. You’ll never get out alive” – Van Wilder
“You shouldn’t take movies too seriously, they all cost the same” – Coach
Do yourself a favor, embrace the bad, do what makes you happy, and watch a shitty movie every once in a while. It’s like unplugging and plugging in your wireless router when it’s not working, a perfect solution.
PS. The only exceptions to hyped up movies that have been worth the watch for me are anything directed by Tarantino, the Dark Knight/Batman movies, and anything of or related to Pixar. Especially Toy Story.
PPS. If Quentin Tarantino had any different name, I bet he would be producing porn in the Valley right now. What a great name.
PPPS. I just had to google AIDS because I didn’t know if the whole word should be capitalized or not. Thanks a lot Frederick County Public Schools.