Lemony Snickets: The Improbable Story of Coach’s Cell Phone


What’s that….it can’t be….is that…COACH’S MUSIC?!?!?!

I’d like to apologize for the fans of the site for taking a 2 week hiatus. Lot of traveling, lot of real life work, lot of rule-of-threes jokes left on the table. I’m still just as busy, but you gots to give the people what they want. Here’s the story of the most improbable way to lose a cell phone.

First things first, ya boy has been hitting the gym hard in prep for the first annual Blog:30 Apple Blossom 10K Blogger Run. The idea is to take alcoholic 20 something year olds and watch them attempt to run a 10k race with a months time training after 2 months of binge drinking. The human body, amiright?

So, I’m running along on the treadmill, entering my last mile for the day. Little Coach tip, always try and make your last mile your fastest. It helps with the endurance.

I’m booking it, running at an eight minute mile pace, Wiz Khalifa’s “Work Hard, Play Hard” blaring in my headphones…when out of nowhere, a giant dog jumps up on the glass window in front of me and completely caught me off guard. It was like someone chopped my throat right as I was about to sneeze…I was defenseless. What happened next, I assure you, was the most improbable and unlikely series of events in the history of treadmills and cell phones.

As an avid treadmill enthusiast, I learned many moons ago that if you’re running with wired headphones, tuck the wires underneath of your shirt. It prevents flaring arms from accidentally clipping the wire, whipping your cell phone/iPod/zune out of the cup holder and onto the ground/belt, where it can be whipped out from under your legs and into the sea of nothingness behind you. In about 4 years of treadmill running, this has happened to me 1 time, but I see it happen on a daily basis from treadmill novices.

Somehow, when that damned raging K-9 jumped up and scared the bageezus out of me, I tucked my arms closer to my body and curled up like an armadillo on interstate 820, and the upward motion of my right hand snagged the 1 foot of exposed chord, causing my cell phone to leap from the cup holder and defy gravity. In the .5 seconds it hung suspended in the air, my arm, now coming back from the forward motion, smacked the phone. It did not fall straight to the ground. It did not fall forward or backwards. It ricocheted off my huge, masculine* knuckles, and whipped across the room, two treadmills over.

Now, lets set the scene a little further. There are about 12 treadmills at the gym I go to, and 3 of them were being used. One of them happened to be two mills down, by a middle aged man with a beer gut and calves for days. The phone, now disconnected from the wire (which is a whole different mystery) frisbee flew across the gym off my hand, hits the one guy within 30 feet of me, and begins descending towards the ground.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. Coach, big deal. Your phone took a flight and hit a dude. It’s pretty unlikely but it’s not blog worthy.

I wish this is where the story ended.

The cell phone (plummetting towards the ground) was about to hit another persons treadmill belt and be whipped backwards like a normal cell phone should. Instead, life decided that it would be so perfectly timed with my fellow runner’s stride, that he kicked it simultaneously as it was hitting the groudn. It then proceeded to slide UP THE MOVING BELT HE WAS RUNNING ON (6.3 mph pace..pussy) underneath the plastic motor guard (a gap measuring literally  1 millimeter bigger than the width of an iPhone) and into the motor of the treadmill. Keep in mind, the motor is on one side of the treadmill, and had the phone slid in any other direction other than straight for the corner, it would have fell over the belt and onto the floor. Instead, it fell deep into the mechanics of a treadmill that was 12 feet away from me.

Now, I know this information now. But at the time, I thought it would just be on the floor somewhere. Coach searched underneath 12 different treadmills, interrupting workouts, and asking for help to find this thing. Nothing. So, I drove home, grabbed my iPad, brought it back to the gym with me, hit the “Find my iPhone” app. (after running next door to connect to their Wifi because my gym has shitty internet) and heard my phone beeping inside of the mechanics, which I could see light up through the fan gate.

What’s a Coach to do?

I grabbed a screwdriver from the ice cream place I was stealing the Wifi from, and with the help of 3 other grown men leaving their workouts, we disassembled not 1, but TWO treadmills because it turns out, the first one we violated the shit out of the warranty for  was not the right one due to an unfortunate echoing situation/I did not see the light of the phone in the correct treadmill until after we took the first treadmill apart.

2 treadmills, 7 people, an hour and a half later, I was able to remove my phone from the depths of hell with a billion scratches, cuts, and bruises on my arms and hands. The kicker? The phone is completely fine. Not a scratch on the damn thing. It defied gravity, air resistance, probability, timing, perpetual motion, and physics to end up where it was. Perfectly functioning. Unreal. I don’t even have a case on the damn thing.

I feel like I’m not doing the story justice, so just take a second. Look at your phone. Place it in a cup holder or on a desk. Now imagine if it just leaped up and got stuck inside of not the closest, not the second closest, but the third closest mechanical device. That’s essentially what happened, only there was a Bowser’s Castle worth of booby traps between them.

The story ends where every story should….a grown man buying 3 other grown men frozen yogurt. Shoutout to Bloop Frozen Yogurt. You the real MVP.


*I have the smallest girliest hands in the history of hands.



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