Big Chimpanzee News; they now believe in God.

Via Daily Mail: The discovery defied explanation. A researcher studying chimpanzees in the savannahs of the Republic of Guinea was baffled by a strangely scarred tree she had found. Laura Kehoe, a PhD student at Humboldt University in Berlin, wondered whether it was the work of the chimps. So she set up a remote camera and it showed that chimpanzees were indeed behind it. A group had approached the tree and behaved in a highly unusual way. Some of them threw stones at the tree for no apparent reason, which explained the scars. Others gathered stones and laid them at the foot of the tree, creating a rough cairn. . . .Perhaps the chimps were using the tree to communicate long-distance with each other, throwing the rocks to make a drumming sound that could be heard far away. But why then did a juvenile chimp silently place stones inside the tree? And what use would a cairn be for long-distance communication? Though she hardly dared think it, one suggestion kept rearing itself in Laura Kehoe’s mind. Perhaps this was a display of reverence. A form of ritual. And if so, did it mean that — incredible as it may sound — chimpanzees have something that we might call religion?

Can’t embed it so video of religious chimps is here.

Woah, big win for God here. Chimpanzees can play for my team any day and I’m sure the Big Guy feels the same way. As a devout Catholic myself I’d like to welcome all chimps to a lifetime of pretending you know the words to weird songs, shaking hands with strangers, and unrelenting guilt, lots and lots of guilt. Glad to have you aboard. Oh also don’t forget you have to let the priest put that weird tasting white stuff in your mouth once a week. Talking about the eucharist guys, relax.

You know who this is not good for though? People who don’t believe in evolution. You know what those people hate? Being told they came from monkeys. You know what they love? They love them some God. So it’s one thing to discount years and years of definitive evidence that proves evolution is more than just a theory. That’s just some fancy science, not like it’s a fact. But how are they going to be able to deny we came came from chimps when there’s a chimp sitting in their congregation passing them the collections plate? You’re not gonna not take the chimps money. That money is for God and it would be a sin to deny him off it. Real tough spot for the “evolution is bogus” crowd. I’m not 100% clear on what it means but I think this is what we in the literary biz call a Catch-22.

-Mr. Jersey

PS: Throwing some chimps in the mix would be a great way to stop pedophelia in the churches. Try touching a chimp where it doesn’t want to be touched. You’ll end up with your face ripped off faster than you can say “Amen”.


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