Coach’s Response to “21 Weird Things Almost All Guys Do But Don’t Realize”

Willie

So this link from tickld has made it’s way to my facebook wall or timeline or whatever the fuck facebook is calling their feed now a days. 21 Weird Things Almost All Guys Do But Don’t Realize As Told By Women. First of all, what do you mean we don’t realize? How dumb do you think we are? Here’s the list and my response to this dumb nonsense.

1. The pants slap. Slapping his pockets before he leaves the house to ensure his wallet and phone are there.

You don’t think we realize this? This is our life blood. If you don’t partake in the triple tap, I guarantee you’re the same putz that leaves his wallet at home, his cell phone in the car, and his keys at the bar at the end of the night. The triple tap method is a proven method, and it is 100% conscious in every guy’s mind.

2. Lowering his voice by an octave when talking to his dad on the phone.

Again, this is on purpose. Life is all about power moves. The lower your voice, the more power you have. It’s simple science. A conversation between a father and son is a friendly game of chess. Lower voice = more respect. More respect = more power. That and we want to reach an octave so low you dont hear us bitching about women all the time.

3. When you ask him a question and he can’t decide whether he should answer with a lie, he’ll say “what?” to buy more time.

More like we weren’t listening to you at all. See my responses to 21 Lost Gentlemen Traits for more on why we don’t listen to you and have to ask you to repeat yourself.

4. Conversely, raising his voice by an octave when trying to sound polite or empathetic.

Our voice changes. It’s only human natural. You don’t see me making a list of 21 times girls change their voices. Like, when they talk to dogs, when they talk to babies, when they scream after seeing old college friends for the first time in years, when they talk to scary looking men, when they talk to food….

5. Bonding with other guys by hating each other’s interests.

I don’t even know what this broad is talking about. Sports? Just cause we hate each other’s teams doesn’t mean we hate each other’s interests. We’re just trying to retain as much knowledge about other guys to crush them in any competition later. Knowledge is power.

6. Grimacing while he struggles to pull his wallet from his back pocket while sitting down.

It’s because we don’t want to spend the money on people like you who notice this. Also, You try pulling something out that you’re sitting on for once. (a thank you)

7. Not washing his bed sheets for long periods of time. Like, months.

That’s because one time, very long ago, we tried putting a fitted sheet on and it kept popping a corner as soon as we thought we were finished. You don’t knowingly go into a losing battle like that.

8. Taking SO LONG to poop. Really, what’s going in there? Did you fall in? Is it a Narnia situation?

We’re just trying to spend less time with you and looking at boobs that aren’t yours on our phones.

9. Taking his shirt off by pulling the neck hole over his head.

As opposed to lifting from the bottom? WHY DO YOU CARE/NOTICE THESE THINGS?!?! Also, If you’re over the age of 25 and not wearing a button up most of the time, then you probably work at an arcade or something, or aren’t fat yet.

10. When hugging another man, clapping them on the back twice.

It’s called the bro tap, and it’s a bond among men to let them know we’re here for each other when you start going on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on….

11. Keeping large amounts of change around his room in some form. Usually in a container or scattered around the floor.

Contrary to popular belief, I don’t do this. I melt down all my coins and make armor out of them…like what are you supposed to do with your change? You telling me all women are constantly rolling their change and keep them organized somewhere hidden? My god this is the most frustrating thing.

12. Asking how long they need to put something in the microwave

If there’s an expert in the room, ask them. Everybody learns in the end.

13. Snot rockets in the shower.

This is a courtesy to the world around us. If there’s a room with a drain that takes the gross stuff we do away, that room is lawless land. All bodily fluids are released in that room. But if you like, I’ll start spitting and blowing snot rockets when you’re parents are around.

14. Liking sports teams and musicians. They’ll almost beat each other up over how bad the other team’s players are, but afterward they want to see each other again and are weirdly satisfied.

It’s a dog eat dog world. There’s nothing better than being right and seeing your team win. It validates our existence. We’re animals, and since we’re not allowed to get our aggressions out by fighting over mates, we root for the Cleveland Cavaliers. Act like you don’t have favorites on the Bachelor.

15. Making weird faces while playing video games, especially when stuck or rapid firing.

It’s called guitar face. John Mayer is great at it. When you are so concentrated, and not distracted by anything, you use like 10% more of a part of your brain than normal. Your body, instead of shutting down it’s circulatory system, has to adjust to the brain activity/stimulation, so your face contorts because you’re not in control of it anymore.

john

16. Peeing on the sides of the toilet so it makes less noise.

I have a friend. I won’t use his real name here so let’s just call him “Nate.” “Nate” pisses directly in the deepest part of the toilet like a boss, and it makes such a loud noise that people have to speak up to talk to each other. Don’t be a “Nate”. (Side note, Nate has a real healthy stream. Proud of you “Nate”)*
*this happened exactly 1 time

17. Being able to sit in the same place and not talk.

I’m confused by this. Does being silent startle you so much that you can’t fathom it? Sitting and not speaking is the most content I can be as a male. Ask Doc or Mr. Jersey, I’m a real Chatty Kathy.

18. The condiment slam. They don’t simply set the nearly empty ketchup bottle on its lid for a gravity assist. Instead, they’ll slam it against the counter like it just insulted their mother.

Time is money, those coin jars aren’t going to fill themselves.

19. The awkward crab sideways step when trying to unstick their balls from their thigh.

Again, we realize this. The alternative is cutting a hole in your pockets and sticking your hand through and grabbing your balls, separating them, and then making you smell my hand. Pick your poison.

20. When they don’t know each other but are thrown into a social situation together (like a double date), they instantly become besties and have a sort of secret bro-handshake every guy seems to know.

There are three types of guy handshakes that every guy should know: the traditional, the scoop and clasp, and the aforementioned scoop and clasp + double bro tap. Allow me to let Lebron demonstrate.

Scoop and Clasp

We do this because if we don’t, we look like this.

21. Sticking a hand down their pants while watching TV. No reason, really. Just ’cause

We live in a world where a dick pic can make or break a guy. We’re just fluffing ourselves to get optimal spotlight.

-Coach
@blog30tweets
@ApacheZack

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