If you’ve been following the news (or better yet, Blog:30) since last we checked in with the Grand Old Party you know that Trump stole Jeb’s website, Jeb responded by tweeting a picture of a monogrammed handgun, and even Stephen King is terrified of Ted Cruz. But guess what? NONE of those are stories that I’m going to highlight here. You read that right, those three things were the least ridiculous things that our Republican candidates for President of the United States did or were involved in this week. The Republican Party is like a circus and I’m like the third, less heralded Ringling Brother running around trying to keep tabs on all the carnies. Take a second to visualize that and then try to answer this question; what do a porn star, Canada, and a ludicrous level of sobriety have in common? Give up? The answer is that they all popped up this week, in the GOP.
Actress in Ted Cruz ad turns out to be a former porn star, whoops!
Via Buzzfeed: Ted Cruz’s campaign has pulled its most recent ad, “Conservatives Anonymous,” after learning one of the actors in the spot is also a softcore porn star. The ad, which was set at a group therapy session of conservative voters who feel betrayed by Marco Rubio on immigration, featured actor Amy Lindsay, who played a woman telling another group member, “Maybe you should vote for more than just a pretty face next time.” Lindsay has appeared in several softcore porn films, including Erotic Confessions, Carnal Wishes, Secrets of a Chambermaid, and Insatiable Desires.
Thought you could slip one by us didn’t you Ted? Come on now Teddy, you really expect me to believe that nobody even ran a quick Google search of this chicks name before she got hired just to see what else she’s been in? You really expect me to believe you aren’t a guy that watches a lot of Cinemax at 3:00 am? You really expect me to believe that you don’t have a VHS copy of Insatiable Desires tucked away somewhere in your
lair office? I mean we all know politicians work some pretty late hours. If Ted Cruz isn’t a 3:00 am, Cinemax, soft-core porn guy then nobody is, ya feel me? Plus there is a 0% that his wife doesn’t have parental restrictions on the computer and doesn’t give him the password or that Ted even knows there is porn on the Internet. The Cruzer* likes his borders secure, his fetuses un-aborted, his guns easy to obtain, and his porn sans penetration (likely because he thinks its icky).
Marco Rubio Ad “America” Starts with a shot of Vancouver
Via CNN: Canada is making yet another appearance on the 2016 campaign trail — this time as an accidental backdrop for a Marco Rubio campaign ad. The Rubio campaign released an ad over the weekend called “Morning again,” which starts with the narrator saying, “It’s morning again in America.” The only problem — the footage being shown is of the harbor in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada.
Dead man walking! Dead man walking on the Green Mile!! If there’s one thing I know Americans don’t like, it’s being confused with Canadians. Them’s fighting words in at least 48 of the 50 states. Not sure where Alaska and Hawaii stand on the matter. Can somebody ask Sarah Palin and. . . .I don’t know any Hawaiian politicians. . . Now obviously this isn’t actually Rubio’s fault, it’s not like he sits down and makes theses ads himself. But this combined with the ass kicking that Chris Christie handed him last week followed by his poor performance in the New Hampshire primary have made his resignation from the race all but inevitable. Tough luck Marco. If we need someone to give a pump up speech at halftime of a high school football game, we’ll call ya.
Donald Trump has never used drugs, drank alcohol, or smoked cigarettes
Via Washington Times: “The world is so tough and it is so competitive that you can’t put yourself, as a child, or even as a parent, if you want that child to be successful, at a disadvantage of letting them drink or letting them take drugs because it is not going to work,” Mr. Trump said. “They are going to be at a tremendous disadvantage and ultimately they may not recover.” Mr. Trump said he has never had a drink of alcohol and said he drummed a simple message into his children’s heads at an early age. “I’d say, ‘No drugs, no alcohol, no cigarettes,’” he said. “No drugs, no alcohol, no cigarettes.”
One of two things is happening here. One, Donald is straight up lying to us and trying to convince us the golden shower we’re getting is really rain. Or two, he’s telling the truth and with God as my witness I’m here to say that’s even worse. You can’t play with a guy who doesn’t smoke, toke, or booze. You can’t win with a guy like that. You just can’t do it! We’re all always saying we want a candidate who’s just like us, a regular American, an average Joe. You know who smoked and drank? Teddy Roosevelt, JFK, and Bill Clinton, great men all of them. A 69 year old man who has never drank or smoked is not like us folks, he may not even be human. We going to start letting sober aliens be President now? I didn’t think so.
PS: of course in classic Trump fashion he won me right back:
“Trump struck a lighter note, saying he does have some bad habits.
“You don’t want to know what they are,” he said.”