Mr. Jersey (@De_Italiano)
Winner: Marshawn Lynch
Beast Mode came out of the clouds to drop maybe the coolest retirement announcement ever. “Oh is it the middle of the 4th quarter of the Super Bowl? I didn’t realize.” – Marshawn (probably). Literally hanging up your cleats via the internet is a pretty cool way to go out. In reality we’re all really losers here because we don’t get to watch Marshawn abuse defenders or make reporters uncomfortable anymore. What are the odds on what he does now? Like I really have a tough time picturing Marshawn in any other line of work. The dude was put on this planet to run over safeties. But I guess if I have to I’d bet on, Start A Record Label at +250.
Loser: Eli Manning
Tough, tough weekend for Eli. He was so close to forever having one up on big bro. But Von Miller and Denver’s D went out and won Peyton a second Super Bowl and Eli goes back to playing second fiddle in the Manning house. There’s a lifetime of “the smaller turkey” leg in his future and he knows it. His only hope is that he wins another one before he’s done but I don’t even know if that will do it. When Peyton wakes up with a Bud Heavy hangover tomorrow and decides its time to retire it’s officially curtains for Eli. Nothing he can do that will top The Sheriff riding off in to the sunset as a champion. Love that Eli didn’t even hide his disappointment. Went full Manning face right in the middle of the family celly.
The house always wins. Always. You might win a few battles but the house will always win in the end. A lot of people (your boy included) were salivating at how grossly under hyped the 17-1(!) Carolina Panthers were in Vegas. I place my bet about 30 minutes after the NFC Championship game grabbing the line at Car -4.5. I audible said “Ha! Free Money!” the spread climbed to 5.5 and I was happy as a clam that I was in at a whole point lower. Not to mention all the Prop Bets people were making banking on Carolina dominating. If the average person lost like I did last night (1-8 on bets) then Vegas is just rolling in the Cash, per usual this morning.
For months we knew that Coldplay was playing the Super Bowl halftime show and I think to a certain extent we all knew what to expect. Classic Coldplay songs with a happy/love everyone theme. And thats exactly what we got. It was a
decent safe halftime performance. That’s not why Coldplay lost this weekend, they lost this weekend because they got upstaged by there “guest performers,” Bey and Bruno. In what universe did Coldplay think they wouldn’t be upstaged by two legends like that? Here’s what happened, the NFL wanted performers to pay to play and the big names (Bey, Bruno, Taylor, etc.) told the NFL to kick rocks. Coldplay ponied up the money (probably because they have an album coming out) and the NFL reached out to the big names to be “guest performers” so they wouldn’t get bashed for shunning the big names with the erroneous demand for performers to pay to play.
Winner: Facebook Moms
Facebook Moms love two things: posting embarrassing shit about their kids, and Peyton Manning, and boy did they have a weekend. A little Superbowl “I hope he retires on top” post here, a little “I never doubted him for a second” post there…likes lighting up like a God damn Christmas Tree. Pictures of food they pinterested, their kids in little Broncos jerseys, selfie’s with happy husbands…I’ve never seen so much orange in my facelife. The weekend is theirs…and there is nothing we can do about it.
Loser: Steph Curry
Eat it you hack! HA! You root for losing teams your LOOOOOOOSER. I hope you feel good, getting your stink all over Cam Newton and Panther’s Nation. When you wear the crown, you can’t show them that you bleed. Your armor got exposed buddy boy. Your baby face goatee just go a little trim from the loser sword. Spurs stock just went up, and Coach is buying. Let’s go Cavs!