George Carlin, who should be in everyone’s top five favorite comedians of all time, use to end sets by spewing observational humor in an articulate way about how the world seemingly tries to point out how different we all are, but in actuality there are little everyday occurrences that connect us all. Just little tits and tats.
“Joey, how are ya?”
There’s something so warm about these jokes. Connecting the human race to have a good laugh at how we all experience similar, light situations. However, there are some other similarities that we experience that can ruin lives. Here’s a list of my five most hated day to day interactions I’ve noticed, and how I choose to avoid them.
5. Same Path Walkers
This happens to me on a daily basis, whether at the office, the bar, or just walking on the sidewalk. You’re headed down a path on a mission, and some equal and opposite force is coming straight towards you on the same path. Since your both not idiots and know you can’t walk through someone, you both choose to move to either the left or the right. Then the piece of shit moves on the same path at the same time. It’s frustrating as hell, and you end up doing that “will they won’t they” dance switching back and forth until you are nose to nose with this assclown.
Solution: Move one time and stick to it, and if you bump into them you are not only doing them a service, but you are establishing that you are the alpha and you move for no man.
4. The Double-Reach
We’ve all had this happen. Whether its someone grabbing the centralized remote, food, check at dinner, beer, whatever, you and someone else reach for something at the exact same time and accidentally get your rom-com on and awkwardly touch hands. This one is more playful than sinister, but it still happens. I’m comfortable with my sexuality, but when I gently graze hands with a dude and pull away like a five year old who touched the surface of a hot stove, I feel so emasculated.
Solution: Gotta get weird with it. Pull your hand up to your to your lips and giggle like a school girl. It’s pretty unavoidable, and it always gets a laugh.
Alternative Solution: If it’s the guy-on-guy contact, look that dude in the face and tell him you’ll punch him in the dick.
3. The Passive Aggressive Secret Holder
My blood is boiling just thinking about this. It’s the coworker who has some juicy gossip about another coworker or knows something that is about to happen before everyone else. They drop hints and clues like “we’ll see” or the “oh you’re so sure?” but they have the knowledge and refuse to give it up. The worst ones are those who just straight up say “Did you hear about so and so?” and when you reluctantly respond, they hit you with the “Oh I can’t say but I just was wondering if you knew.” Such juvenile behavior that still slips its ways through the cracks of adulthood.
Solution: You just have to pretend you don’t care, even if you do. About everything. Treat everything like Mariano Rivera. Come in, do your job, go home. There is not point in mucking it up with this scum. They’ll stop teasing or they won’t, you just have to be like a duck and let that shit float behind you.
2. The Intersection Blocker
This is another almost unavoidable situation that you’re going to deal with from time to time. You’re commuting home, there’s always that one fucking intersection that decides whether youre home in time to catch PTI, or youre doomed to have watch ESPN the deuce in the next hour. It’s a clusterfuck that the city planner clearly decided to phone it in that day. Major traffic going North and South as well as East and West colliding into one colossal nightmare. The traffic gets so backed up on one end of the intersection, that people proceed through the green light only to find themselves stranded in no mans land. When you are the person in the middle, it’s terrifying. You were just trying to get home and now youre the center of everyones road rage. If you’re the next in line and can’t move through on the perpendicular route, you want to bash that dudes face in like a pinata. There’s no winners here, only scared and angry losers.
Have your iPhone/CD Player (if you’re a caveman) have this song queued up, roll the windows down no matter the temperature, and crank that shit to 11. If you’re the sucker in the middle it makes light of the situation, and if you’re the road rager it’s a great way to vent that unwanted anger. Luda for life.
1. The Person Who insists on Talking about the TV show you don’t watch.
Admittedly, I do this to Mr. Jersey all the time…but when someone does it to me I just want to hit’em with five and a “Bah Felicia” as soon as it happens. A situation occurs, and it’s similar to an incident on a show someone knows every line to, and they say “this is just like what I saw on 30 rock” (looking at you, Coach) and the person didn’t watch 30 rock, so then someone tries to explain what characters did on a show where they don’t know a thing about. You can’t connect or relate at all, yet they insist on taking the next 2 minutes of your life explaining “Hey, what I saw on the TV happened to me in real life, what are the odds?” No way in hell TV shows do jokes about everyday occurrences to reach mass audiences, you’re/they’re special and they insist you know why.
Hit him with the Corey Matthews and just say “No Spoilers No Spoilers No Spoilers” over and over again until they walk away. Not only will this work, but it also plants the seed to never talk about any TV show ever again. It puts the ball in your court. When YOURE ready to have that conversation (never) you will reach out to them. Until then they live in a world where they think you are still playing catch up.