The NFL regular season has ended and it’s time to dive in to the playoffs. As is tradition the NFL uses the Saturday 4:30 slot for the game the perceive to be the least interesting of Wild Card Weekend. But this year we here at Blog:30 feel they gave us a great gift in the early time slot. We get playoff Andy Reid, we get the dad joke that gained sentience J.J. Watt, and we get the magical QB play of Brian Hoyer. In honor of this gift Coach and I decided to track our conversation throughout this game. So without further ado I present your our uniterrupted dialogue of Chiefs/Texans.
4:21 pm: Mr. Jersey: Playoff football featuring the Kool-Aid Man, Andy Reid! You ready Coach!
4:22 pm: Coach: Ditka just picked Houston solely because JJ Watt is on the team.
4:23 pm: C: I’m ready to watch mediocrity, drink mediocrity, and win all the DraftKings.
4:24 pm: MJ: DraftKings; we promise it’s not rigged 😉
4:25 pm: C: Happy to see Gruden on a Saturday, that’s just….nice.
4:26 pm: MJ: Eric Berry beat cancer. He can certainly beat Brian Hoyer.
4:26 pm: C: Brian Hoyer looks like cancer.
4:27 pm: MJ: Eric Berry 1-0 lifetime against cancer Coach. Doesn’t bode well for the Texans.
4:30 pm: MJ: Tori Kelly? I would have bet my rent that was Shakira.
4:31 pm: C: *googles Tori Kelly*
4:36 pm: C: I’d give my left nut to hear JJ Watt’s lame attempt at a pep talk before they get their dicks kicked in.
4:37 pm: C: Well that happended fast….
4:37 pm: MJ: Knile “Gone by a mile” Davis! That one’s on the house Boomer.
4:38 pm: C: Where was JJ on that one Ditka?
4:39 pm: MJ: Ditka didn’t even see that, he was still lighting his 1st qtr. cigar.
4:55 pm: MJ: What kind of numbers do you think Hopkins would put up with even just a top 15 QB?
4:56 pm: C: Antonio Brown numbers. Oh wait, or maybe Eric Berry numbers.
4:57 pm: MJ: Eric Berry owns beachfront property in Brian Hoyers dumbass bald head.
5:02 pm: C: “Can someone turn on the Princenton/Penn basketball game?” -actual words I just heard at this bar.
5:03 pm: MJ: We got Ivy Leaguers posted up watching hoops at BDubs? This game is really taking it’s toll on folks.
5:07 pm: MJ: Hoyer with the old disappearing ball trick on that one. Have a day Brian!
5:35 pm: C: Alfred Blue outta fucking nowhere!
5:36 pm: MJ: Watt on offense alert!!
5:36 pm: C: Vince Wilfork!
5:38 pm: MJ: Running the 6’5″ white guy directly in to the line didn’t work? That’s a shocker. I’m shocked.
5:38 pm: C: Call you Jeremy Shockey.
5:38 pm: MJ: JJ Watt loved that joke.
5:39 pm: MJ: Oh god, LOL Hoyer. Give me Weeden! Give him to me!
5:40 pm: C: I think every team in the NFL has two QB’s that are better than anything the Texans have.
5:52 pm: MJ: “All the interceptions were horrible”. -Jon Gruden. He’s not wrong Coach.
5:53 pm: C: JJ Watt has to play QB in the 2nd half. Has too.
5:59 pm: MJ: And Hoyer kneels to end the half. 13-0 Chiefs as the Red Walrus shuffles towards the locker room.
6:02: C: This game is awful…
6:13 pm: MJ: Chiefs got a special teams TD and 4 turnovers and are only up 13. Don’t rule out Andy Reid doing some dumb Andy Reid shit and this game getting close.
6:14 pm: C: Houston might not want to throw the rest of the game..
6:15 pm: C: Bobby Griffin tha 3rd will be a Texan next year. Book it.
6:17 pm: MJ: Couldn’t agree more, been saying it all year. Lock that up and throw away the key.
6:19 pm: MJ: Brian Hoyer is making me sad.
6:19 pm: C: JJ Watt’s mom is probably praying for him. So he’s good.
6:22 pm: MJ: At what point does the Texans O-line stop blocking in hopes that Hoyer gets concussed?
6:25 pm: C: Somewhere in the poor streets of Baltimore Matt Schaub is drinking a PBR and zipping up his jacket to cover his old Texans jersey. That’s how embarrasing Hoyer has been.
6:27 pm: MJ: Uh-oh JJ Watt limping off the field! The living breathing dad joke may be human after all.
6:28 pm: C: T’s and P’s to JJ.
6:43 pm: C: Alex Smith is throwing ropes. This game is over.
6:44 pm: MJ: Not looking good for the Fighting Watts.
6:45 pm: C: Meanwhile;
6:46 pm: MJ: Steve Smith, absolute savage.
6:46 pm: C: congrats on the boob.
6:47 pm: MJ: 2nd base is for playmakers Coach.
6:56 pm: C: We’re gonna get some Weeden.
7:00 pm: C: It’s been a big year already for Kansas City. They are one game closer to the Super Bowl yet still the most irrelevant sports town in America.
7:01 pm: MJ: I still don’t understand why KC isn’t in Kansas if we’re being honest. Like who made that choice? Goodell?
7:17 pm: MJ: Jesus Christ, someone needs to take Hoyer’s helmet.
7:18 pm: C: They need to bury Hoyer like they did that football in Oakland.
7:36 pm: MJ: Well, that was incredibly depressing Coach. I feel we were robbed of Any Reid shenanigans and I blame Hoyer for that.
7:37 pm: C: I can’t believe I left my house for that…
Chiefs 30 – Texans 0